Why hello there

•2010 02 28 • Leave a Comment

So, uhm, yeah…we kind of disappeared.   But, we’re still alive!  Work has been a bit hectic for me, as my tendency towards procrastination is coming back to haunt me.  He’s been busy dealing with the kids, who all seem to have the case of the terrible (add in whichever appropriate age).  Add to that our annual shopping spree thanks to Uncle Sam, some random snow days, and my body adjusting to the IUD i had placed – and we are exhausted.  me personally, i’ve been feeling like i’ve been running in circles and i can’t wait for things to get back to somewhat normal.  We did order some new toys during our shopping spree (unsponsored) so we’ll be writing reviews on those soon.

I’ve gotten to try some already but I’m waiting until we use them together to say anything. I’ll post in the morning what’s been keeping me all sorts of busy. – Psycosis

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Pride Explored

•2010 01 13 • Leave a Comment

Given that Pride is the sin that begets all other sins in some form or fashion it seems a fitting start. Now Pride and boasting are not my strong suits, so instead lets deal with things that would instill some pride, an education and a career.

Education

Thus far I’ve been a business major, an art major, an English major and a nursing major. Indecisive? I’d have to agree. The problem is I don’t know what I want to do as a career. Well I sort of do, but honestly don’t know if it’s something I’d be successful in. More on that later.

Do I go with something easily marketable that I already show aptitude in? Do I go for my passion despite seeing its real world use wither? Do I learn yet another skill set to broaden mine even further? Do I go to the community college and maybe transfer later? Do I go a quicker route with the technical college?

Trust me, by now I’ve worked out the logistics of nearly every one of those questions. A bit much I know but that’s a different sin. Despite all that work I still have no clue which path to take. Add into this that I want to give her the chance to go to grad school, which would be next to impossible if I started seriously working towards a degree thanks to our situations.

So a quick, marketable skill set would seem the ideal. The one I’ve thought about would be useful at home as well. A problem is that it’s also a skill set my sperm donor had and he nearly hated it by the time I was out of the house for good. The main problem though is that it gives little to no room for me to distract myself with courses I would enjoy and would further the things I want to do.

Career

You’ve seen my list of previous majors. For jobs I’ve done digital publishing and web design, installed carpeting, worked with horses, was manager of a convenience store, a military man, a baker, sales clerk in various retail businesses, hotel maintenance and even a CNA. Add that automotive repair, computer repair and general home construction plus all the crafts and hobbies I’ve had. Again, a bit indecisive of me.

During all those jobs one thing remained constant. I wrote. Not as much as I would like, and not enough for most to consider me a writer. I still claim the title though. It’s what I would love to do for a career but these days I see a flooded market, particularly with what I write.

Do I go with a career I might grow to hate or risk perusing one that turns out to be a dead-end? Do I go with something new and wholly unknown but could prove useful? Do I just say fuck it, stick to what I know, and let her be the bread-winner?

Conclusion

I’m an indecisive bitch. And I forgot to mention in all that I want farm land so that we’re less dependent on our income and more dependent on ourselves. But a full farm isn’t something I’ve worked with before so I’ll have to learn on the job or beforehand anyways. Realization, I’ve never gotten a straight answer if that’s something she would want. It’s a big change, a whole different way of life. Something new for us to talk through obviously after she reads this.

Personal Resolutions

•2010 01 12 • Leave a Comment

Last night we ended up having an unplanned conversation about what we want. About who we are. About what our plans are. In short, about life and how we have no clue what we’re doing. I know we’re not alone when it comes to things like this, but we aren’t the kind of people who can just follow the path put down in front of us without question or confrontation.

So last night I put it to her to sit, think, write a list of all the things she’s unhappy with about herself. She’s a goal oriented person from what I’ve seen over these years. I’m hoping the list helps her change those things. And yes, before she even turned that idea back on me I knew I would be needing to do the same introspection. This is the start of that. I’ll probably refine it later but here. It just feels fitting to deal with them like the 7 Sins.

I should probably work on a post about each in the near future. It will give me an idea just how screwed I am and how much work there’s do. Oh, if you didn’t realize, this whole post is about accountability. Not so much to any of you reading, though the public embarrassment when I slip up should help, but to myself. And none of this even touches on bad habits I want rid of like biting my nails.

Here’s to the long road ahead.

Erotica – Smoke and Mirrors

•2010 01 07 • Leave a Comment

Below the break is an erotic story just over 2000 words. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

Continue reading ‘Erotica – Smoke and Mirrors’

Thoughts Provoked

•2010 01 05 • Leave a Comment

Just today I finished a book that provoked a good bit more thought then I intended having to deal with. It was set in a period where Rome was pushing out its boundaries and the main focus was Britannia. There was much in the way of political drama and of bloodshed, but it was some of the views on religion that got me thinking about that age-old question again.

Now I, by no means, am an atheist though I share quite a few of their sentiments about the state of religion. Christian feels wrong despite it is how I was raised. Agnostic is too often deemed the same as atheist. That tends to leave pagan. Pagan I’m comfortable enough to claim given as varied as its views are.

That question, you say? Easy. Who’s right? What’s right? Ok, sorry, that’s two questions. But are they all that dissimilar?I’ve had several crisis of faith growing up. Not at the hands of my family mind you. My home life was splendid compared to many. No, most of these were brought on by my own actions or some other power.

I guess I should give you a bit of insight on how I viewed things before I delve too deep. I wouldn’t say I followed any one religion. Polytheistic did seem the best choice though given the sheer number of persona’s the world at large showed, surely each mask was born by some entity. After all, how could the same that which bred hate and raged like the fires of war be the same thing that would gather their children lovingly and protect them from that war? I had no name for the entities, but at times I felt that I knew them intimately enough they needed none.

Then came a time where religion of any sort was absent to me. I’ll admit now that this time began when I left where I had practically grown up to be with my babygirl the first time. Though, now that I think back it was waning even before that but it was the severing of those ties that finalized it. I think now that the sudden feeling of being lost is what caused problems enough that I was willing to leave her and return to that home shortly after a few months.

I’m thankful to this day that there was hesitation in my actions. I had the money, still had barely more than filled my bags, I could have gotten on the bus while she was at work one day. Instead I waited for her to come home. After the tears, after the pleas, something told me that allowing her to come with me was the right thing to do. The thing was that once we got back I still could not feel those entities or the closeness I had with my former home. We both had changed, but I couldn’t see that yet. So I shut it out and turned completely away from religion.

I was an asshole then. I couldn’t find the balance between different aspects of myself and she bore the brunt of it. Even after she bore our first child I still felt a measure of distance from her. It was then that we decided my old home was truly lost and moved back to where we’d lived earlier. It wasn’t long before she bore a second, and things became more strained. Just as they improved a third came, and by then we were as different and out of sync as could be.

We both bear the burden of causing that rift, but I bear its brunt. For so long I refused to change, refused to adapt to the life I was creating for myself. Without a faith, I did feel quite isolated a lot despite most of my time being spent constantly occupied by little ones. It’s only recently that I think I’ve began to grow again. It took many a fight and many an emotional hardship. So much has happened that it feels much longer than the 5 years since I first moved in with her. As much for the problems as for how well we’re seeming to understand the other now. There will always be problems, but now I think there is a solid base to build upon so they do not worry me.

And its only after this growth and this reawakening of emotions I spent so long burning away with pain that I think thoughts of religion can return without a cynical eye-roll on my part. No, not religion. Faith. Damn it! That is too strong as well. An understanding then. Religion breeds hate. Faith numbs the mind and senses to other possibilities. At least understandings can be altered as new light is shed.

I’ve also learned to see through the personae of others, and to realize that I to don masks. Every person, whether they are honest enough or enlightened enough to admit it, is capable of great goods and heinous crimes dependent entirely on the circumstances. So it stands to reason that any being that created us could be capable of such varied emotions as well.

I cannot agree that Man is made in the image of God, and Woman is born from Man. If Man is the closest representation of God then the world would not hold the beauty it does. It would take a Mother’s Love…a Goddess’ Love…to nurture so much that we see in the world. Even the most doting father pales in comparison to the love and affection a mother can have for her children. As is said in the book I mentioned, All Gods are one God…All Goddesses are one Goddess.

So what if it was a single being, no gender, no bias, that made Man-kind? How could their children become so varied in their views to incite all manner of hate and war throughout history? Light through a prism. Since time unrecorded there have always been those touched by their creator to spread word of their Creator and their plan. Long before recorded history such words were passed in the only fashion they could be, by word of mouth. So each oracle, each disciple, each and every person, was left to interpret the word of their Creator as they saw fit. And so with each telling, with each retelling, the beam of light that was word was passed, shared and altered.

So came the many faces of religion. Even what I say now is colored by my perception and will be colored by yours as well. I wonder then, how do you see whatever being you follow? I’ll even tell you how I see mine. She’s akin to a den mother, a wild wolf who adored her children and would put her children above all others but could  and would decimate any who would bring them harm. But she would not step in if the children set in upon each other to establish dominance. It would pain her to see her children at each others’ throat with malice, but she must think of those that cannot fight…the brood to come…the den as a whole. So she watches, pained, as her children quibble to see who serves her properly, who serves her most fervently.

That is how I see our Creator. The epitome of a mother. What of you?

Us vs Jillian Michaels – It Starts

•2010 01 02 • 1 Comment

For those of you that don’t know, Jillian Michaels [don’t let the pretty face fool you] is a personal trainer that has gained notoriety from her work on The Biggest Loser. Plenty of people call her the toughest personal trainer and I’m of the mindset they’re right. What does she have to do with us? Well we bought one of her DVDs, 30 Day Shred, while it was on sale and some hand weights for her. We’ll need another set soon and some pads for the floor.

She kicked our asses. Though we did figure out that I’m better in the cardio while she’s better at the strength exercises. But still, that’s like finding a $10 bill tucked in your wallet when the check for dinner is $60. We took measurements too after we had a chance to recover from our beating; bicep, chest, waist, hips, thighs and weight. We also took front and profile pictures to guilt ourselves into working our asses off. No we’re not ready to share either just yet. Maybe after we see some of the results.

But, the masochist in us are looking forward to our abuse tomorrow. We’ll keep you updated.

HNT – Heart To Heart

•2009 12 17 • 2 Comments

Heart To Heart

Heart To Heart

Our first HNT in a long time. It was taken with my phone this morning after I played a bit more with my babygirl after last night’s fun. We definitely need a space heater in our room for more naked sleeping.