Rollercoaster of Love

I know I’m overdue to chime in on here.  As he has mentioned, there has been a shift in things around here.

When we first met, we had discussed the fact that both of us were switches.  As our relationship progressed, it seemed that he was more a Dominant with submissive tendencies while I was a submissive with Dominant (aka stubborn and bratty) tendencies.  So, we had settled into a traditional Mdom/fsub relationship.  But, of course, we can never do things traditionally in our household so, even though he was the Dominant, he stayed home with our kids and I was the breadwinner of the family.  I can admit now that there were many times where this situation did not sit well with me but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with taking on a Dominant role.  His sexual experiences way outnumber mine so I felt intimidated that I wouldn’t do as well as other lovers he had.

Prior to our move, things were not well – lots of stress, little to no sex – so, once we were finally done getting everything moved in, we were both frustrated.  When I get frustrated and stressed, I tend to withdraw, which made things even worse.  Once I did start to get my sex drive back, I kept leaning towards teasing and torturing him.  Eventually, this spawned a turn towards a Mommy/little boy relationship.  I’m not a harsh Mistress by any means, hence the Mommy role.  It was a pleasant experience for me because he is such a responsive slut and thoughtful little boy.  We even started looking at harnesses and new dildos for me to use on him.  I thought to myself that I finally had gotten the control in the relationship that I had wanted.

However, while this relationship was developing, conversation had sparked between myself and one of my friends on twitter.  We actually ended up doing a bit of roleplaying the first night we really talked.  The interesting twist to things was that we had done a Daddy/babygirl RP.  So, yes, I was engaging in one side online and the other in real life with him.  It caused a bit of strife in the first couple days but we talked through it and decided that this would be the best course for now….until today.

This post was actually going to take a different slant except a couple things I read today shed some light for me.  I have been lurking and following bad bad girl‘s journey into a new D/s relationship and her post today struck a chord with me.  I have been reading a daybook on simple living and one of the entries I was catching up on talked about answered prayers.  Most people don’t think about the fact that, if your prayer is answered, you then have to take responsibility for what comes of it.  Also, most of the time, what you actually ask for is not what you are needing (i.e., asking for a soulmate when what you need is the self-confidence to be the person to attract your soulmate).  Through discussion, I realized that, when I wanted more control in the relationship, what I really needed was a greater sense of appreciation and validation from him.  I think the past couple weeks have been some sort of cosmic test/reminder/kick in the tail of where I fit in and what my role is.  So, we are back to our old arrangement of Daddy/babygirl.  But, all in all, I learned a valuable lesson – I finally see how a polyamorous arrangement would be beneficial for us.  I have a deep-seated need for affection and attention from my childhood (long story for another day) – so, while the relationship I have with him has been very good, it’s not quite enough for me.  I realize that statement sounds a little greedy and maybe I am.  We already have been in talks with a female friend, who we both agree would be a good addition to our relationship as we both would be involved intimately with her.  But now, our definition of our ideal poly relationship has expanded to include a male play partner for myself.  He has stated that he would allow me alone time with my partner but he would also want the option to be involved in our play at some point.

So, there will be more exploring and an adjustment period while we settle back into our roles but it should be an interesting ride.

This is where I chime in. I have to say first off I’m glad to have my babygirl back. I’ve missed her a great deal despite enjoying my role as of late. We both learned a great deal from this time reversed. I learned I really am a bit of a wanton whore. Go ahead, get the ‘duh, obvious’ out of the way. I’ll wait. *tick* *tock* *tick* *tock* Done now? Ok, as I was saying. Aside from a really spiked interest in anal play and being tormented/tortured at night in bed [and I hope both continue…damn did I sleep good those nights], I realized how often I openly sought validation for my actions from her. I plan to keep that in mind and offer it to her without her being quite as pressing [read annoying, I’m sure she does] as I was. I also feel I have a better handle on myself, to the point where a short bit of notice and some play to help me along should make it easy to briefly flip the switch as it were. That way when she does feel like being Mommy again, or beating me with the flogger and what not [yes, open invitation] to get out her aggression, there won’t be a tug of war for control. If I go much further I might as well start a post of my own, so I’ll end with this. I’m happy to have my girl back after my time with Mommy and I’m going to make sure she doesn’t forget that anytime soon.

~ by darkfairymomma on 2009 11 23.

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